she’s been back for a while now. she’s been consistently here, at least more than she has been in the past. this doesn’t comfort me, and i feel guilt for that, too. i can’t talk to her. i know the only way things will change or get better or be anything other than this strange purgatory is managing to accomplish just that. but when, how, where, what do i say. will it even matter. am i betraying her by wishing she would acknowledge the ways she hurt me? objectively, no. i know that. but will she ever get better if i ruin it. if she gets better or worse i want it to have nothing to do with me.

i think i might want her to have nothing to do with me.

i keep being told this is because i’m just tired, that if she hadn’t made this all so exhausting, i would still have the energy to keep trying. but that isn’t it. i don’t want to keep trying because it feels like theres nothing left to try for. i’m not a poor kid who’s done his best, i just don’t have any reason to do much more than pretend like i can still save her. but i’ll never actually save her. even if i could, i would find any excuse at all to not go through the effort.

we support each other in our wrongs. she only loves me because i won’t point out the flaws in her pattern, and i only love her because she won’t tell anyone everything i’ve ever lied about. we’re protecting each other. we’re destroying each other. but no one will ever know so long as we have each other. i have heard that this is not what love is meant to be. but love or not, she is the feathers embedded in my skin. i never learned to fly, but i won’t ever have the chance if i pull her away from me, out of me, if she disappears entirely.