she’s getting out of rehab soon. i’ve been trying not to think about it.

i’m happy she seems to be doing better, but i’ve grown so independent of her, from such a very young age, that it seems almost callous of the world to bring her back now. i do not know how to love her as a mother in a way that would not be destructive for us both. but would it be unkind to love her, instead, as a friend? or some equivalent?

i think i still feel responsible for her. i still feel like i’m the one in charge of taking care of her. i’m worried she’s going to get bad again. she always has and she’s starting to run out of time to keep trying to be better. and if it gets bad again, then i will blame myself forever. i have to. the blame is the only thing that keeps me from self-destructing. keeping that worry for her is all i can to to keep away the guilt of not having cared for her the way i always felt i had to. no one else would if i didn’t, especially not her.

no one has known her like i have, and no one ever will. it as terrifyingly isolating as it is grossly therapeutic. knowing something i can never explain to anyone else. but also knowing there is something haunting my organs that i can never be rid of. i love this sludge that i cannot remove from myself. i have wanted to destroy myself to feel closer to her since i learned i could hurt my own body. if she really is okay now, then how do i let go of my craving for self-abuse?

it is, unfortunately, much easier imagining she leaves my life again. not because i asked her to, because i absolutely never would. but if she were to spiral, fall to the cycle she always does, i think i could live with it easier than trying to reconnect.

what a horrible thing to say.

the angels are calling this home