i had tile floors at the time. i was there, knees to the ground, it was cold. i was cold. i had been crying for such a long time i couldn't feel anything anymore. i needed to sleep, but i couldn't feel anything. i couldn't feel tired, so i didn't feel tired. i felt numb. but it wasn't a feeling. it was just numb. all of me was. i felt cold, but it wasn't really cold, it was numb. i had been lying on the tile hoping i would eventually feel at least discomfort, but i felt nothing. so i was up on my knees.

my hands were on the bottom edge of my bed, i was staring at the window. i had a blanket covering half of it, the sunlight always disturbed my restless sleep. in the dark, though, my eyes were transfixed on nothing other than the moon. so bright that it felt sharp, like a harpoon in my throat, drawing me to her, keeping me there. i couldn't look away, so i didn't look away.

i thought about my mom. i thought about telling other people what she had done. the thought made me feel dead. i finally felt something and i felt dead. i kept staring at it. i kept thinking. i was crying again, but i didn't feel it. i only felt dead.

it kept pulling me in. the harpoon not painful, but insistent. i kept believing in the moon, as though the moon herself were responsible for this feeling i had achieved. the moon was killing me, my mom was killing me. i was thanking her for it. i stopped crying. i was finally going to die, right here, just like this. i felt dead already, and alongside it came another feeling; relief.

i felt relieved and then the spell was broken. the harpoon wasn't real. i wasn't dead. relief was replaced with a feeling of numb. not just being numb, but feeling it. i climbed back into bed and went to sleep.

i write this now, three years later, after a night of crying. my room is carpeted now. i sit on the floor at the edge of my bed. i don't feel cold, but i'm sure i am. i don't feel numb, but believing as much makes it easier. i can't die, so i don't.

the window is half covered with a blanket. she’s wishing me a good night's sleep.